I just dropped you home and my heart is hurting. You told me your "reserves" - your friends - had deserted you, left you defenseless.
In the face of what? I asked, initially amused.
Then you shrugged. And looked right at me. And I knew that somehow I was the enemy, the entity your reserves were supposed to protect you from.
I know I'm not supposed to care. I do love you regardless. But you said we were friends. I guess rejection still stings even when it's not supposed to matter.
I hope one day soon you will believe me when I tell you that you deserve to be loved just the way you are right now. That you don't need to do anything but be yourself to be worthy of receiving love.
The Opposite of Love
She shifted in the bed and moved her body up so that she was lying next to him. She rested her head on the place where his arm met his shoulder. He kissed the top of her head, breathing in the smell of her shampoo. She smiled into his chest, amused once again that he always avoided kissing her on her mouth after. That was ok, though, she didn't much care for his kissing. At times it kind of felt like he was trying to eat her face.
With a long exhale, she let all of it go and returned to the present moment. This was, after all, her favorite time of their meetings. The suspense about what would happen today, and if it would be good or just good enough, was dispelled. ...
There is nothing. There is no one. There is only me. I am in my space, no one else can be here. Sometimes I think I should cease to be, other times just to bleed is enough. To break through the numbness and exist in this world. I am not enough. I know this doesn't make sense. Who am I to visit it upon you? I am no one yet I am every single person who's ever questioned their value, their right to be, to exist. I am but I don't know why I am and why I shouldn't just cease to be. Submit to the nothingness that is after all everything. There is no one. No one who has cared enough to see that I'm hanging on by my fingertips, there is no net underneath. There is no one to understand that there is ...
The pains are coming
Faster, stronger, closer together.
Soon the world will welcome
A new little being.
Ah, but until then there is the journey
The woman must travel, & only she can,
Through pain and exertion and exhaustion:
Will this struggle ever be over?
Gathering every last bit
Of her courage and strength,
The woman forges ahead,
Re-positions herself above the pillows.
Slightly more comfortable for the moment,
She begins to sway,
Eventually finding an archetypal rhythm
And a paradoxical yet enduring bit of peace.
Body in motion,
Nerves firing on all cylinders,
It is too much
For the woman to stay silent.
A moan escapes.
A disembodied vocalization -
Not so much *from...
The Opposite of Gratitude
Why wasn't I enough?
I wanted to be what you said you wanted me to be
But I failed
Not in a vacuum
But because you left me
Alone to figure it out
And I couldn't do that in time
To meet your deadline
And there were no more chances
No support or understanding
Not even a little bit of kindness
So I guess the real question is
Why some part of me still wants to be What you wanted me to be
Knowing that it was the role of
Not worthy of your time
Nor deserving of your attention
A nothing next to your super-big persona
Megalomaniac in your need to
Take credit for my successes
And blame me for your failures
How will you ever save fa...
Twenty-One Years as of 9/9/15
Frost trailed across the window
She traced it with her fingertips
So afraid to permit
any thought to emerge
From the abyss
of compulsive mental obsessions
waiting to erupt forth if given
the tiniest opening
Opportunistic attention sucking
exercises in futility
what if what if what if what if
She refused to allow him
any more of her head space
No longer could he reside there
He had refused the terms & conditions
would not even check the box
it required too much
of his attention
and if he was being
(HA. like that ever happened)
so did she
the pity party
he isn't worth it
Dear Year 2015,
for the last week, my only true focus has been the answer to the question "How did my life get here? "
I'm so glad I'm still on the journey, but you have finally convinced me that mid-life is inescapable, and there will be no more 29th birthdays for me
embracing all the years I have been on this planet, at least those of which I am aware, I welcome the wisdom that they have brought - accomplished through hard work, strength of will, and more than a little pain
yet I find myself wondering about what is true and what is real...the year ended with definite, unalterable realizations that, unpleasant as they were to discover, are providing me with freedom I have not experience...