|Unwanted Addiction & Pain Not everything is escapable, pushing its way down your throat into the pits of your stomach... how do you silence it then?|
My inner thoughts...
I never knew there were different types of lonely until I was lonely for you. The different types of sorrow deep in my heart keep finding they’re way to the surface. For each reason you leave, have each individual sinking feelings in my gut... but the deepest lonely is when I know you won’t be home for a while... our relationship might be ripped at the seems, our hearts might not be as full but the toxins that full our lungs keep bringing us back to where the cycle began. I’m lonely without you, but unfortunately I’m lonely with you, too.
My Inner Thoughts
An addict dating an addict... it’s not always easy to keep in mind the love you found before all the hurtful words were said, it’s hard to find your cuddle in the flail you’re bound to, it’s hard finding time for one another when you can’t keep your eyes open because you’re on day #4... so when you’re gone all the time, to me it seems like you’re finding every excuse to be away from me, because when an addict dates an addict it’s not always easy keeping in mind the love before it’s all said && done.
In all honesty, my addiction is to you, if all the walls were to fall around us today, my home still stands because my home is with you.
If we were to lose everything in the ...
My inner thoughts
When you can’t find the beauty in anything because it’s all the same shade of grey, is that the definition of depression? When all your voice knows how to do is fight off every sound your ears can here, is that anger? When the noise is to loud but can’t hear a single sound, could it be consider anxiety? When you feel alone but won’t do anything to make that feeling go away, is that suicide holding you hostage? Everyone always talks about these feelings but I can’t figure out which ones I have... I’m confused in my own mind, oblivious to the brightness that surrounds me. Locked inside this dark space, because I have away my spare key.
My inner thoughts
It’s becoming harder to contain the bitch inside of me, every moment apart strikes fear && anxiety inside my bones. Protecting my feelings even when there isn’t a need to, is my downfall, because it’s then that I push away even the strongest lovers && supports I tried so hard to connect with. Connection is my biggest fear. Once communication is established, it feels like your swallowed in darkness once it’s gone. Why would I want to let myself feel that way? So I push them all away even when I’m at a point of loneliness I’m fearful my depression will one day get the best of me. My loneliness is alone, alone is how I feel.
My inner thoughts
I never got a chance at a real goodbye, i never got a chance to let you know how thankful I was for you, I never got a chance to hug you one last time... the songs that bring your memory to the front of it all are the ones that I am obsessed with because I never want a chance to forget our memories.
The Other Side
You’re the reason I don’t need to fear happiness because not everything happiness brings ends in tragedy...
Only In My Dreams...
I had a dream of my son doing something unsettling to a couple of toys && I kept asking “why?”. My son struggled to come up with an answer && I remember there being chaos all around us, I looked at my son && said “it’s okay, it’s okay if you don’t know. Sometimes mommy doesn’t know. Mommy doesn’t always know the answer && you won’t always either but that’s okay.”
I’m good at being a b*tch because I’m good at hiding when I’m hurt
My inner thoughts
Not everything is escapable, when it’s pushing a path down your throat into the pits of your stomach... how do you silence it then? When it feels as though it’s pulling your inner eye lids back when all you want to do is only see darkness, how are you suppose to view the world differently? When it settles inside where your souls should be and begins pushing && pulling your skin to the point of uncontrollable irritation, how do you sit still? Making your ear drums pound but at a pitch so high that your first reaction is to pull out the broken head phones how are you not suppose to listen?! It’s everywhere I go, clinging to everything I touch, covering me as though it were a...
Feeling as though I’m forgetting who I am and becoming someone I’m not as I become lost in a world that doesn’t exist. Inner thoughts becoming distant as my physical body goes through the motions. Drowning in to much chaos but diving deeper as though it is my only salvation. As the past becomes a mere memory the future only becomes more unclear.
Is everyday worth fighting
for or are we all just living
the greatest lie in the
history of all man kind?
My sleepless nights creep into the early mornings and when the sun rises I know it’s another day made of the same torcher I’ve placed myself in the days before today. The addiction I have to those sleepless nights is more then I understand. The skin on my bones hold on tighter then the time before, the weight loss begins to show in my cheek bones now. My clothing size changes but my pupils are forever growing. I hate it but I love it, it’s so destructive but yet I cannot not say no. It’s a forever kind of thing, my forever painful affair with destructive addictions.
Thoughts of mine;
To the place where I found home is the place I moved away from and I subconsciously came back to the place that caused me so much pain because it’s comfortable and familiar here... the only boundary I couldn’t cross over was stepping outside of my comfort zone and staying in the unknown, I want to go home.
It’s amazing how much a smile can hide, the way a picture can hide the truth, frozen in time a time that cannot ever been returned to. The emotions one picture can hold, and how many it can hide. The moments in which share that time in space the events that circle that frozen moment are never captured within a frozen smile. No one will ever know if you were just crying or if you were actually in a place where that was a genuine happy moment. Pictures are a memory of what was and what will never be again... pictures are a memory of what never was.