|If something becomes like air, is it an obsession or a necessity?|
I'm not living for myself but for the ones who love me and for those whom I can help lessen the burden.
I deleted everything. I don't have your number memorized anymore. I'm not friends with you on Facebook so I don't know what you're up to even though I'm curious sometimes. I want to say thank you and I'm sorry but I can't. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to know anything. Would we even be good friends? We never had a chance to be. Everything happened so fast, there was no time to think. What can I do except let go? My bravery has been drained for quite a while. I am no longer the person I used to be.
When it comes to building my confidence, I feel lost. Should I write a little about how awesome I am every day? Can I talk about my flaws in a more positive light? I know that I am so hard on myself. The task of self revival is daunting, and I feel overwhelmed.
But I should still try it.
It's difficult when those around you chat away seemingly happy and bright and there you are not being able to feel that happiness within. They are unaware to your inner thoughts and troubles and you try to forgive them for not knowing how to react to your bleak mood. They leave you alone to simmer but being alone in your head might be the worst thing.
One more day passes. Lately I've only been breathing and going through some of the motions. My life is currently still a mess, though a quiet mess.
Somehow opening the dawn of my birthday with a thunderstorm is fitting for a Leo such as myself, making one's heart jump and pound as a result. Happy August!
I was so amazed today at the thoughtfulness of my family especially my brother. After five long weeks of my emotionally draining internship, the weekend before my birthday arrived.
Giddy from relief and happy to pick up a package from home, I opened the box slowly. In the middle of the snacks, homemade pastries, and clothes lay a sleek white box. I realized what it was and screamed with excitement.
My brother really granted my wish. I joked with him that it was his turn to buy smartphones for us. I wanted to encourage him to start applying for jobs and internships. Despite his struggles in the job search process and interviews, I believe that something will come his way. Sometimes luck is...
I'm not really useless. I just feel that way sometimes. It's like a passing rain; after the downpour, I can live again.
He wasn't what I wanted. Whether he was part of my life or not didn't really matter to me.
Happiness will come and go. Understand this and you will be able to manage your disappointments.
It's been 3 years. I met you on the eve of my twenty-first birthday. This year I'm going on twenty-four. I still haven't found anything close to that feeling with you. Everyday is a test of patience.
When I am home with my brother and mother, I am so happy. Here at school I have my freedom but I am so unhappy.
If I could, I would bottle up the happiness from your incandescent eyes and save it for a rainy day.
One thing that I need to learn is how to brush off the aftermath of intense heartbreaks, disappointments, and mistakes. Like any skill, it takes much practice and is difficult to master. Each incident challenges my peace but with continued effort and determination, the task becomes a little easier.
Loving you was so easy; like breathing. How did you do that? I don't want to believe that it was some kind of personal skill you acquired over the years. I want to believe that we were connected somehow before we even could have fathomed it ourselves.
I'm always so hard on myself. Always thinking about what I did wrong. I have so many regrets. How can I love myself more?
Loving someone and receiving their love in return is a miracle in this life.
Sometimes I can't distinguish whether a particular memory was a dream or it really happened.
One thing that I want to work on is being more patient. I get worked up easily with anger, sadness, and elation. My mood even before these tough times has never been level. I feel higher highs and lower lows which made me wish for balance most of all.
In the past, I've been hurt by relationships. Maybe that has made me more reticent, more suspicious and mistrustful. I haven't been able to retain that innocence that made me have faith in people.
I wonder if you are patient enough to stay with me as I grow. As I try to draw those good qualities into myself. Patience, calm, positivity. I wonder if you have faith in me.
I have so many insecurities. Confidence has become a fragile feeling for me. Something that takes a lot of energy to conjure up for brief moments. Will there come a day when it comes more naturally?
I don't know why you annoy me so easily. It is a natural skill of yours maybe. It's the illusion your invitations, texts, and phone calls make, suggesting your interest. But interest is just that and no more. Interest doesn't equal care.
Thoughtfulness plus the ability to clearly express your care for me. This is what I am looking for.
I'm not sure that you are truly a kind and caring person. Though you might likely be. All I know is that this ability, through no fault of yours or mine, is missing. And that is why we get stuck.
I appreciate your efforts, and I believe you will, mine. But we just weren't meant for one another, we're we?
I haven't laughed this much in one day for a long time. It was easy to laugh. I must do this more often.