As I sit here in this freezing room with a 24-inch screen in front of me and 'n' numbers of files opened, blocking each other. I find myself thinking of you.
I find myself asking my conscience, " Will I miss this place?"
What this place really meant to me?
It's a scrapbook for me. In it, I have posted every failure, every misunderstanding that I have endured. It stands for every friend that I gained along the way, every relationship where I fucked up, every relationship where I kept silent and allowed it to be my voice for those who understood. It stands for all the ' could have been but didn't ' s of my life. It symbolizes the lessons I learned the hard way.
Just another yesterday
We fall too hard for too little
We feel so much for so less
We think a lot for nothing at all
And yet another day
With the motive of existence
as my only way...
We grow out of it,
Only to fall all over again;
With just a memory of yesterday.
And one more chance is all I am asking for...
And I know we should give chances to people, we should forgive and let go of all the things which are said and done in anger and of all the things which cause pain to us.
Sometimes we do not mean to hurt each other but we do,
And everything falls apart.
You can still hear voices from the other side of the wall for that one chance,
That one chance to let them in,
That one chance to be like the old days.
But the problem is you do not remember those days, do you?
All you remember are those nights when those words, those feelings just came rushing to you.
That feeling when you allowed the pain to crawl back in it's worst form possible. you just s...
I feel nervous while writing this, I have not penned down my thoughts for a long time now. It would be wrong if I say that being busy is the only reason for me to not write something but just for the simple fact of not knowing how to let out the chaos which resides within me. Sometimes I wonder, Were things different last year? For sure they were!
Was I happier?
The answer to that would be a no or maybe a yes( on certain days)
on days when I start thinking about my feelings which surprisingly still exists somewhere deep within, where I cannot reach for most days.
So these days all I do is listen to the loud music which plays 24×7 in my head, which has words, I fail ...
the pressure to be happy
it has been a few days with this kind of sulking feeling constantly feeding on my emotions. a lot of time I saw myself extremely frustrated because of the way I was feeling. and it has nothing to do with the things which are happening in my life. life is never easy for anybody but the fact of wanting to be super happy all the time and thinking that something is wrong with you if you are not 'is crazy'. the constant pressure of being on the top of your game and feeling in a certain way which is just positive is not humanly possible. a subtextual message that we force yourself towards— that something is terribly wrong with you if you are not constantly happy is so ...
And I give up on people.....
i don't remember how many times i said this and still went for it. I don't remember how many times I felt like standing on the shore and looking at that distant horizon, believing that I am gonna make it all the way across that ocean. but something that i failed to understand that with people it is always different it's not like any other thing in your life which you can meet with your effort. yes, there is a possibility of creating some moments but that is just temporary. with people no amount of effort is enough and some lucky ones can just have it without doing anything. the silent presence is not enough, you have always make your presence noticeable. you ...
Maybe those frequent squabble of irrelevant things played a great role between them
Or maybe her past had more relevant stories of someone
Whose darkness she's familiar with;
So much so
That she cannot be friends with artificial lustre..
Not Anymore ❣️
And at the very end
Every bit of the day feels powerless
Over the voice 💫
Of your HOME❣️
And I don't know what's more scarier,
Uncertainty of the future
Uncertainty of those thoughts....
and there are stories..
Stories that have stayed in my mind
held my heart for a little while
rearranged my thoughts as i choose to unwind;
and again there is, this smile
its like a soundproof room
that won't let you see beneath
mostly you will hear silences,
maybe someday you will find that window too..
but what makes you think you will ?
how do i trust you with that....
And then there are words between us
But always understood :)
And 10 years down the line
All I want for myself
Is rekindle that standard X version of me
The one who believed.
In everything and everyone;
Hope the circle continues
Hope growing up doesn't costs the
Little things that matters ❣️
'That was a sweet memory and we moved on'
These few words describes journey's with no specific destinations;
Most of the times with those who can never be just a memory. As we choose to move forward with everything that's happening in this moment. I wonder, did I actually leave something with the past. I have escaped this feelings a lot of times now.
But somehow it manages not to.
Maybe it's just one of those tiny little things that will always be.The way it's always have been.
Something's can't be explained by the rational mind.
It's a soul thing,
Just some feels ❣️
And then I realised that I have changed. Good/bad/wrost ?! no idea but I have changed to a point where it doesn't bothers me anymore. Oh why ?! U ask,
Maybe because I know that no matter what I do I won't be able to go back. Because there's nothing to go back to. All my beliefs are destroyed and collapsed just like every other fairytale thought. "Maturity" is the word u think, nope it's not.
There are many, but those tags are so heavy that covering it behind like a mature person is the right thing to do.
So yes I am all grown up, ready to handle every situation that comes my way....
What way you ask.....
That's my story for some other day;
And when the Strom hits you, you feel numb. That numbness stays with you. for as long as you can remember it feels like a decade with every passing minute. You are still breathing and that's the wrost part because no part of your existence wants that. But you don't remember living at all. And you don't know what's happening. You never knew. It's this feeling where you can't fathom your own thoughts. where your knees feel feeble and your heart feels terrible. It's the Strom which hit you hard from the inside. And the only shelter you can think of are two hands and a heart beat, out there somewhere in the crowd but still not a part of it, because your eyes can recognise that face mor...
Just like pictures, life isn't that perfect all the time. Growing up and gaining experiences also involves loosing innocence and confusing happiness. When success and wining starts adding up to your equation to a smile. Is the time you loose out on simple pleasures of life. Pleasures which has nothing to do with your to do list and a lot with your to be list.
"What you wanna be in 5 years ?"
Is the question where we all contradict ourselves at some point.
For now, my answers to that will be happiness for the rest of my life. And the list goes on to internity and beyond.
I wonder what's your equation to happiness....
But I hope it's simpler than quantum physics .
And in that moment I just wanted to end everything, because for those microseconds nothing made sense to me anymore, it just felt like a place I have always been in and right now it's about to destroy me. And who am I kidding it destroys me each time my lungs grasps for some air to breathe again, to take another chance and loose a little more of my existence. And just when those moments starts to fade a little bit, when those words has peirced my skin already and scared my soul to witness what's left inside.. all I feel is empty, yet full of emotions. Emotions which means nothing but feels like a knife which I have been using to cut pieces of my own soul. It's suffocating and unbea...
We often question our bond with other people. We think, rethink and overthink to a point where we don't really need to question anymore. To a point where it feels irrelevant to even think about it. Everything changes and goes upside down. That merry-go-round of yours doesn't goes clockwise anymore. And suddenly everything changed,we exclaimed. After all this was we really questioning the bond or the fact that we build it in the first place. I never knew these answers....
All I know is that sometimes your questions will last for quite long but the bond....
When often loose ourselves by staying in one place,
Wandering in the most recognised lanes
Crossing the same path every now and then
Being with those same old faces;
maybe wanderlust can guide us home on some days..
Sometimes even forever lasts for a second. And those seconds consumes months of your life. And yet again falling for the same trap feels like a place where all we belong. we all have some once said words which meant nothing, some pictures which reminds of someone vaguely. Running away from those doesn't make sense anymore. Maybe because there is no one in particular. Maybe it's just you and the world . No words in between, no memories involved, no feelings exchanged. It's just you in this in fight to be someone you was at some point of time. To feel like you used to. To breathe with the urgency of living it all. And not someone who is feeling it all, just for the sake of it. Breathing every ...
Completing my high school is one of the most satisfying feeling I had experienced in my teenage. It's a feeling when you know that a very small part of your journey is over and you are left with so many experiences or you can also refer to them as cheat codes. These codes help you dodge some similar situations in the later part of your journey. As exciting as it may sound but it also takes away a lot from you. Remember the time when you used to buy friendship bands. As silly as it may sound but it used to make sense to us in the beginning when we were figuring out those cheat codes. I remember keeping the best one for my best friend. And now we don't even remember these dates. Things really...
That invisible world, lies beyond the bottom of your happy stories, underneath the present. The part nobody knows about is actually what made you this way . Those struggles that made you feel that living is all about the criss cross lines, it's all about the up's and down's . And reminds you that straight lines also signifies death. We can never weigh the amount of pain, struggle, grief we will go through or we felt . But still we keep a hold of all those till the time we paralyse our own senses. The longer we hold them the more pain they can do to us. The dirt of bad experiences which we hold on to as memories are just few bad experiences and it's as poisonous as resentment.Sometimes shoutin...
Something's are just hard to write about. Certain people, things, moments which we still remember for different weird reasons. It's weird because a lot of times those things are long gone and also because there is no reason for which we need to remember them. But somehow we do. Some random flashbacks which makes you realise that maybe you should stop fooling yourself about the temporary amnesia. Maybe you should just accept that remembrance and holding on, are different. Things always doesn't needs to be tagged or defined. Sometimes intentionally left spaces are stories without words and with some .... ❣
Whenever I have to answer questions about the ones I had lost or I am no longer in touch with. I don't ignore them anymore because now I have an answer and it's really simple. All I say to them is that, the journey was amazing and they were amazing at that point of time. We didn't stick around to spend time any further because we tend grow with time and for that we need to keep moving forward because sometimes being stagnant in a room where nobody inspires you or can be a part of your journey or your dream is dangerous. So with each day passing by I might forget there faces, I might forget those memories but never in my life I will forget how I felt with them because that is all I can affor...