Wow it's been such a long time since I last wrote anything on here. I wrote everything here when I was broken and it reflected in every aspect of my life, most noticeably my love life. Can you believe that after all those years of cycling through toxic relationships with men and myself I think I finally found peace? I finally found myself after years of absolutely hating myself, and guess what.. I might've found the one in return.
Do you feel it too? We're fading away. I dreamt about you last night, in that dream we met for the first time. We went to the beach with my family and your friends. It felt so easy, being with you was easy. You talked to me with such ease and comfort, I felt like I knew you a long time ago. Then you held my hands as we walked along the shore with my family around, for some reason it felt like my hands always belonged in yours. Then I woke up, it was only a dream after all. I realized maybe you visited me to say goodbye?
It's been five months but you still visit me in my thoughts whenever I find myself feeling lonely.
I don't even really try my mind just unconsciously remembers you, and three minutes later I'm angry at myself for letting it play for so long.
Sometimes I find myself getting frustrated because I still feel so much for you, but you never deserved to have this much love from in the first place.
You've been messaging me this month and I've only blocked you, but why do I find myself lingering on to them as though those messages will have the words I've been waiting for you to say to me.
Despite all the pain I still endure from the hurt you've caused me I still love you, but you'll never...
I talked to a guy last week,
He didn't spill poems from his lips like you did,
I gave a guy my number last week,
He didn't know how to make me laugh like you did.
I tried texting a guy last week,
We didn't stay up till 4am in the morning like we did.
I tried to give a guy a chance last week,
But to be honest all I did was compare him to you and I felt weak.
Its 11:46pm and I'm thinking of you,
Rereading letters you sent,
And thinking that maybe you feel the same too.
But you see you deserve the best,
And right now I'm broken,
So i'll just admire you though our messages, and my secret admiration.
You're calm unlike any man I've encountered,
Also you're the complete opposite of my usual toxic type.
Why am I thinking about you so much? It's 10 minutes till midnight and you're the only thing on my mind.
The scariest part about letting go,
isn't actually saying goodbye.
It's waking up at 6 in the morning,
and not getting a message from them.
It's getting tipsy on a tuesday night,
crying on your pillow cuz they're all you can think about.
It's when you travel to different cities, on a different bus, with different views, but only seeing their face reflected back on the window glass.
It's walking alone during the day,
and seeing something so funny,
but remembering you can no longer message them anymore.
It's being fearful at 11pm, thinking you made the biggest mistake of your life.
But I think the scariest part about letting go, is slowly accepting that it is over forever.
How he abused me
It started off with small digs at me, that i'm too fat, not thinking, or that i'm lazy. Those digs became monthly digs, which turned into weekly digs, and then eventually he told me these everyday.
He then started to control me, telling me how pathetic my friends were, how I didn't need my sister or my parents.
But then he would kiss me on the forehead, and hug me well enough to make me believe I needed him and that everything he is saying is for the better.
He was good at pretending like he cared about me, I wish I knew they were all lies. I'd trust him enough to tell him all my darkest secrets, things I needed him to be gentle with, but instead he would attack me with t...
I think we're finally over,
Everything felt different this time.
I didn't cry, I didn't even want to hear his side.
I just blocked him on every single social media that we were in contact on and left.
I think the saddest kind of pain is the type you endure everyday.
The one you know isn't good for you,
But you just stay because you don't know how to live without the person.
I knew I was always meant to leave,
But to tell you the truth, I was afraid to leave.
I pray I have the courage to continue on without him, because if there's anything I learnt it's that I deserve better.
I'm in an abusive relationship. It's so much easier saying it out here to strangers than the people I love. I guess a part of me is afraid i'll disappoint them, because i've put on this facade that I'm strong. In many ways you can call me a hypocrite, because i'll be the first to tell you to leave when your partner is hurting you. I'm really good at telling others they need to love their self and that they deserve better, but look at me taking in abuse behind closed doors. You're probably asking why can't you just leave? Believe me i've asked this question to myself many times, I think it's because i've grown attached to him and i've become codependent, and despite everything ...
I never thought it would happen for the second time.
Another heart break, this time from a different guy.
To be honest i thought nothing would hurt quite as much as the first time, was I wrong.
If anything it hurt just as much, if not worse.
The saddest part is, i still love him even though I know I deserve better.
That part I never really understood, why do we stay in relationships that are not good for us even though we know they're not good for us?
Maybe it's because a part of me wants to believe people can change, or try to change for love.
But we all know that's just heartbreak waiting to happen.
Until then I pray I have the courage to do what my heart already knows to be true.
We were doomed to fail
From the moment we met, something felt off. I wasnt sure what it was, it was a gut feeling that nudged at me, but because you were beautiful i couldnt see past it.
You were perfect, i thought the God's had finally intervened and rewarded me with something better than i had ever expected. It was too good to be true was what i had echoed at the back of my mind many times, but ignored anyways because how could it not be true.
Then you dropped your mask, and showed your true colors just when you knew i was hooked. All the values i thought we both had were lies, you never had them you just pretended to make me fall for you.. and i did. I fell so hard that every time yo...
Confessions of an admirer
I think of you quite often,
At work when ive reached my mental thinking capacity, and near a breakdown. Somehow my mind gravitates to memories of you, and in those moments i lose all sense of panic for a couple of seconds.
I think those were the moments i just knew, i had a crush on you.
I think of you quite often,
At a beach party where hundreds of gorgeous men flocked around me, and as euphoric spasims of numbing music spread throughout the crowd attempting to wipe away painful memories of the damned.
I think of you quite often,
Even as you stand meters away from me, as my body is turned away from you. I feel your eyes linger on me for longer than what is m...
I wish I counted the number of days you saved me from my doubts and saddness. Counted the times I smiled at something little you said.
Counted the moments I held my phone waiting for your short meaningful replies.
I wish I had memorized the all the ways you said I love you.
Despite it all, despite my regrets, the best feeling in the world is that I know you'll always repeat these feelings. You don't even know how grateful I am for it, for your small but significantly day changing actions.
I never thought I'd meet you as early as I did, heck I didn't even think that you were gonna be someone I'd feel this strongly for. We met at a time when I had just gotten out of toxic relationship, and you were just getting yourself into one. For many years we were each others fall backs and advisers whenever the other ran into relationship problems. It was always easy with you, you had this aura that radiated positivity and confidence, and I remember leaving our conversations happy. There was this sense of familiarity with you, like I had met you before, in another lifetime perhaps. You listened to my life stories and equally shared just as many, and we found ourselves attached...
To my future husband,
Hey.. sorry about this random letter, I've been standing quite pathetically for a few minutes now at this chaos surrounding me. I feel sort of, well very out of place in this club, and I'm wondering what convinced me that this was a good idea when I've never really felt like I ever belonged in places like these. I feel sort of lame for confessing that to you, I mean everyone else seems to be in a trance, and here I am I can't even pretend. I get it, all this maddness is a temporary escape for the souls here tonight. Our generation is so messed up, and I get it, I do. I look at some of these people's faces, and I see relief, I see a hint of happiness that'll take away t...
What it's like to be inlove with someone you know you will lose
It hurts being inlove with you. From the very first time I met you, I knew you were going to be a time bomb in my life, waiting to explode, waiting to destroy everything I've ever created. The craziest part is, I already know what my end would be with you, but I am allowing it. Everytime I try to walk away, I feel a magnet pull me back, it seems inevitable, unstoppable. It's so unlike me to be in this situation for this long, I'm not this pathetic, and definitely not this weak, but here I am. You don't know your effect on me, even I didn't know your effect on me. The longer I do this, I deeper I feel as though I am going out a...
I know that I don't give you one hundred percent,
I know that lately I've only given you enough,
and I don't know how you're doing with that.
I am so scared.
I am scared of how you make me feel,
how you've completely consumed my mind.
I'm scared that I've denied so much of this thing between us,
that I have more love for you buried in me than I care to see.
You tell me that I'm losing interest,
when in reality I'm only growing more love for you.
I don't want to push you away,
but this defense mechanism is automatic,
and I'm not sure I'm ready to turn it off just yet.
You don't understand,
I run even before I have the chance to stay.
With you however, ...
Alcohol induced lettrs, part 3.
It's 7:35pm, too early to be drinking my pain away. But the night is so peaceful, so kind, too naive to my hurting soul.
So here I am, trying to dissolve reality. Trying to temporarily erase memories that haunt me in these peaceful settings. I just keep seeing your face, keep hearing your voice, like you never left. It makes me want you, crave for you, it makes me feel so pathetic. Alcohol seems to be the only remedy for my hallucinations, so allow me to forget you for a few hours. Because forgetting you, even if it's just for a few moments makes me feel a little sane in this insanity of a reality without you. I want to drown myself tonight, to momentarily f...
I always thought we were going to make it. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that we would. It seemed so clear back then, like something so obvious. I guess my naivity has led me to where I am tonight, with my only companion which is this wine on my lap. I lock the memories of you out of my sober life, and although I have my weak moments where I momentary get flashes of you, most of the time it's easy. Tonight however, with half this wine in my system, I've carelessly released you into my consciousness, into this blur of a choatic world that we hated so much. Even in my fucked up state I can see you as clear as day, your eyes that I've missed so much, your lips that I've longed to feel on mine....
This is how you'll lose me
You'll lose me everytime you tell me stories about your past ex's like I'm just one of the guys you're casually talking to about the things you've done.
You'll lose me everytime you hang out with your best friend. I know he's a childhood friend but he hooked up with your ex girlfriend while she was with you and he constantly gets in the middle of people in relationships. Do you have any idea how doubtful I get knowing you're being influenced by the kind of person I've been burned by consistently in this cruel world.
You're losing me everyday that we don't define this definetly something nothing thing that we have. Because everyday that we go along with this, I ...
We emerged innocent enough,
talking about the wonders and perils of what is to become.
We spoke enthusiatic enough,
estatic about our dreams and wanting it all to work out.
We faltered about our path enough,
at days that were unkind and unjust to our pure hearts.
We held onto each other as tightly enough,
wondering how much longer we could hold on and if any of this was even worth it.
We gave up one too many times enough,
but quickly found comfort in each others existence.
We loved each other enough,
knowing but not knowing if any of this is real.
We fought about our truth enough,
but realized that there are things beyond our control.
But we're gonna survive this,
as hard a...
Because we are friends,
Because we're friends,
we've sacrificed nights for each other,
just to get comfort during our time of self doubt.
Because we're friends,
we've given endless advice on our shitty relationship,
and told each other one too many times that we deserve better.
Because we're friends,
we've told each other our darkest secrets,
ones even our childhood friends don't know,
and promised each other it would be carried to our graves,
like we were keepers of the most treasured valuables.
Because we're friends,
we've said I love you like it's the most casual thing to say,
like we're just siblings with alot of trust for each other.
Because we're friends,
I can never go further ...
To the girl who is finding it hard to trust again,
Baby girl, I know you’ve had a hard time before, I know it still haunts you today.
I know that every time a guy walks up to and tries to make a conversation, your mind races and you feel your pulse speed and your palms moist. Nothing repulses you more than this, nothing scares you more than this, and all you want to do is walk away and remove yourself from the memories that this scenario is reminding you of. You glance away from this seemingly good lad, and without warning you bolt off through the back door of this bar and out into the cold and silent night.
Out there you find yourself returning to your usual self, the one that d...
It’s Saturday, 12am where I am.
It’s Friday 11pm where you are.
It’s incredible isn’t it? How we’ve managed to make this definitely something-nothing work. How we, despite being nothing official have spent hours on end trying to make time for each other, staying awake past bedtime just to talk to the other.
It’s incredible, how out of all the physically present people I have in my life, no one quite understands me the way you do. No one can tear the walls I’ve built faster than you. You just know how to get to me, how to allow me trust you. You don’t even really try, maybe it’s the simple way you approach me in my time of self-doubt, the language you present to me when I feel like nothi...
To the guy who was always an almost,
I knew we had something uncomprehensively real, something we both knew was there. I mean, I think anyone within a 10 meter radius would see as much. It wasn't that we couldn't confess, we had plenty of times, it was something a lot less complicating actually. But that's not what this letter is about. This letter is to what I wish we should've had, that always almost something that lingered but never manifested.. that. I wish we had confessed a lot sooner, I wish I had not denied the obvious chemistry that led us back together, and kept us up at ungodly hours just to keep each others company. I wish I didn't tell you there was someone better than me, beca...
I've know this online friend, let's just call him Adrian (but that's not his real name) for years now. I met Adrian 4 years ago on an online chatting website, Habbo Hotel. I was a fresh 18 year old highschool graduate with 4 more months of freedom, so I went on that site to kill time and to preoccupy my mind from my recent breakup. Our first interaction was totally out of the blue, it was so random and unexpected. I was jumping around different popular locations hoping to find people to troll when I saw this dude just chilling on one of the bathtubs in the room. Naturally I felt obligated to question him, and it took me less than 30 seconds to realize he wasn't a rich 13 year old wit...
It’s crazy isn’t it. When you really think about it we’re just dust on this earth, a small and seemingly insignificant particle roaming around, trying to find meaning. You know, there are days when nothing - I mean absolutely nothing seems worth living for. Those dark thoughts that linger at 3am and somehow manage to scatter its way during daylight and spread itself like a virus. When all you want is to somehow burn away these endless problems that just keep returning no matter how hard you try to destroy them. In this chaos that I live in, in this crazy and fucked up world that we live in, you seem to be only one that wakes me up from my darkest thoughts, the one that pulls me away momentari...
On euphoric nights like these, while I'm standing in the middle of a crowded night club watching the frenzy of bodies intimately touch, I remember you. It's insane, you'd think that places like these, with beautiful people and intoxicating concoctions being shoved freely to you that the mind would give in and live in that moment. Untrue. At least it's completely untrue for me. I'm most probably insane, or just so completely in love. Either way, I'm trapped. I look around, and see mist and laser lights forming thunders all around me. I watch as men lock glances my way, clearly sending an unspoken invite to my personal space, but instead of sending the green light or smiling off like most would...
God. I don’t even know how to start this, how to talk about you without feeling like something is compressing my tattered heart. I feel like I’ve written one too many letters about you, about us, about this situation that we’ve tangled ourselves in. As I continue this definitely nothing, but most definitely something relationship that we have I find myself unravelling parts of my soul that even I didn’t know existed, and for every piece of me that I give to you I fall harder and more in love with you. I always thought that this would fade, that one day I’d wake up and act against this impossible reality, but you know what I haven’t yet, and to be honest I know my heart and I know it’s answer....
Wanna know the horrible truth? There is only one true way of moving on from someone. No one likes to admit it because it's the only reality that most people cannot immedietly pull off once they've been heart broken. Afterall wouldn't the world want the remedy for something so unmistakably painful as soon as possible? The truth is, the only way you can move on from someone is by meeting someone new, not just any mediocre someone, someone who you can love more than the last. Someone who can give you the same satisfaction as the last. It's hard to find that. That's why people who have rebounds never move on, they use the physical to hide the emotional. That's why you never hear a heart bro...