If there was Love there will be always love.
If there was sorrow, there will always be sorrow.
If there was doubt there will always be doubt.
If there has been loss, there will always be loss.
Things manifest and dwindle away, but they never go completely.
There is something on my mind and it's not very nice or very kind!
I've no one to help me figure it out and alone I feel helpless and blind!
It's been eating away my sanity for quite some time, always there not even in the back but the front of my mind!
Should it be true I'll gladly catch a charge, if evidence I should come to find!
He used to share everything with me when he was little, oh how those memories make me wanna press rewind!
Is he really ok, is there secret writing on paper where the truth is possibly outlined?
Scared to try since I've failed every time, since my family and the past, in efforts to protect him, we left behind!
I'm not in the best nor even a good state of min...
Sometimes the flairs are so bad that I shut down all the way.
I know it’s foolish to feel like no one understands me. It’s cliche, at best. But my heart is sinking further into my stomach, and people’s advice is absolutely terrible.
I’m sorry no one loves me. I’m sorry no one loves me. I’m sorry no one loves me.
What does depression feel like? I get little glimpse. I’m lucky that we aren’t that close. Depression and I have a casual relationship. He slides in every now and then, and may stay a night or two or three.
I have so much sadness in my soul that it feels like an overflow. It pours out at every turn. I am not who I’m supposed to be... I’m something so much less. And I can’t fix...
I'm falling apart but you're good though right! Did I ever mean a damn thing at all to you? Highly doubtful! That's my life people who mean everything to me I somehow manage to not mean a damn thing to them! You keep collecting your jar of hearts but they will never love you like I do nor will you ever feel loved by possessing them, or haven't you figured that out yet? Why are you making me pay for what they did? I didn't mean to put you or your family in any danger real or perceived, I only wanted to spend time with you for no reason I can even explain! I'm the only one who feels that connection though I guess so my bad! I'm destined to forever be alone trapped in my own personal hell, no...
You seem to have left some things along the way...
...Was your heart lost in all the friction within the fray?
The end you spoke of just the other day...
...I'll feel the same anyways so you say!
Defeated, broken, battered, crushed, denied, lied to, not enough, sad, sorrow, heartbroken, joke of the day...did you know these would be only some, would you say?
I can't remember the last time I wrote a happy letter. It has been quite some time now. I really hope that changes. It won't be that soon though, but it will. I need to stop feeling these razors cutting in zig-zag under my skin.
What about you, reader? How have you been? Hope to hear from you.
Success and Love
Barely opened my eyes, hadn't even gone to the bathroom yet & stupid me decided to check my messenger...blocked yet again! I'm done! I can't keep holding on to what apparently I'm not meant to have! Holding on to someone who apparently doesn't give a damn about me! I'm not making anymore fake accounts just so I can talk to someone who so obviously doesn't want to talk to me! I don't even do that shit...EVER! I'm NOT a fucking catfish nor do I care to spy on anyone! The way I see it is if it's something I need to know the universe will find a way to tell me and when I'm actually ready to process that info then I will! Like the fact that the "accidents" people who have hurt me have been havin...
Its that type of cry where you bite your lips to not sob.
The tense of your shoulders to control your breathing.
When you close your eyes as the tears fall down.
Its the holding your breath so you dont make a sound.
The hand over your mouth, in the shower, hoping the water covers the sound.
Its the feeling of despair and hurt, and sometimes you feel so numb yet you hurt so bad.
Its the physical pain of your heart hurting and then at the very end you smile a little because you remember that one good memory.
Maybe its the name they called you and you can hear it perfectly then you just break again.
Thats the worse type of crying because if youre doing that it me...
Tonight, or rather last night as it's almost 2:30am right now, is the last night that I'm going to allow myself to sit here hoping for something I'm never gonna have, from someone who is too preoccupied with whatever else he's hoping for with whoever else! I'm letting go and as much as it's killing me it's more than likely not even gonna bother him at all! More than likely it's what he wants anyways...I've NO clue as to his actual thoughts or feelings about me, only my perception based on how he treats me, so it's really silly of me to continue holding on when he apparently wants others more!
Never forget you are also a son and you are also a daughter.
You are royalty in an unimaginable realm of incomprehensible beauty and beauty beyond all human comprehension that you will one day walk with the Lord in all his majesty and golden brown glory surrounding you, embracing you in the warmth of his spirit as you are shrouded in the Finest white linen that only can be found in the city of Gold, made by the heavenly hosts specifically tailored to you and made just for you as the Lord your Father who loves you so much. Even when you, like I myself cannot process how to love or act as though we do take comfort in knowing that God sees your heart and he knows every concern you ha...
I don't understand you. Why do you flutter for someone who has hurt us? Why do you race when you look into those deep blue eyes.
Why must you fall, when they disappear and disappoint? You should know that they wont change no matter what they say.
My precious heart, please listen to oir brain when we say we need to let go. I know its hard. Its for the best.
The abhorrent look upon your face, when your awakened from sleep, as I reach out for your embrace, leaves me feeling shattered as if I'm an unwanted undesired hideous creature...a complete and utter disgrace!
That's the look that haunts me every minute of every day that I sit alone holding myself wishing to be anybody but me!
Out in public it's easy to smile and pretend that I like me and that I'm happy as can be! Making others happy truly enlivens me, makes my soul feel peace! But once I'm alone and the mask comes off that's when memories of the disgust on your face at the thought of holding me take over! That's when smiles are replaced with sobbing cries muffled by...
The problem with my mistakes is that I’ve made a lot of big mistakes. I don’t break things off with the ‘right’ person, or cheat on the right person. Instead I surround my entire life with wrong people. The type of self-work I have done has made me an incredible friend but a terrible mystery to men. It’s like I chopped off my own vagina, and the men I want to love don’t even see me.
I haven’t made one or two mistakes. I’ve made them all. I have set myself up to be impossible for someone to fall in love with.
I am better off a friend, better off at arm’s distance. Close enough to ring on every single day, but far enough to where they’d feel no guilt not replying for a week. For not loving ...
I think I’m going to be alone forever.
And I think people are tired of listening.
Too exhausted to care. They have their own sad stories. Mine can’t include heartbreak if I never had a shared love to begin with.
Helpless like a baby in the dark.
So numb inside.
Dreams torn appart.
Losing my mind
Freezing my heart
Forgive me as i am impure
My tongue never intended for restoration
Please, if you have any heart, leave me be
I wish not to speak.
I lay upon this woven blanket. Its weave thread baren in spots from wear and time.
Out here there is nothing.
Out here you can see for miles in all directions.
Out here no ambient light from a city shines,just the light from the moon and stars to guide your way.
Out here just the soft howl of the coyotes and the gentle chirp of the crickets sing to you their song.
Out here i look upon the stars in all their beauty and i don't feel alone.
They shine together like a mosaic of glittering diamonds. How many hopes and dreams have been cast upon them?
A tear slides down my cheek and disappears into my hair.
I am so alone in this big wide world, but here, out here in this moment under these be...
My inner thoughts
I never got a chance at a real goodbye, i never got a chance to let you know how thankful I was for you, I never got a chance to hug you one last time... the songs that bring your memory to the front of it all are the ones that I am obsessed with because I never want a chance to forget our memories.
It's 12:56 am
and I feel claustrophobic in my room,
in my own skin,
in my own bed,
from my own breath.
i feel the still darkness, weaving my hair around my neck,
i can feel it tightening inside my throat,
a feeling of drowning, where is my boat?
it's unclear, the vision!
dizzy, my head!
my shadow, afraid.
i feel my nerves throbbing
and there's a tingling of pain,
somewhere moving all over my body
like hands feeling me up.
I feel awake. aware. alert.
I want to walk out,
out of the bed, the sad,
the room, the skin,
not letting the darkness win,
it's cold and freezing ,my legs!
my heart! my courage! my strength!
icy chills all over my back,
world has suddenly gone all black.
it's all still, qui...