Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the st...
Me back hurts. It's a good back. But nobody loves me back. Even though me back has seen through thick and thin. It has seen roses and mud. It has seen school bags and college bags. It has seen bags of work and bags that nobody else wanted to carry. It's an awesome back. But nobody loves me back. Me back hurts.
To Whom It May Concern,
Today I was foolish enough
To misplace Sr. Pari's dog.
I'm afraid I may have to
Send for Mary Poppins to aid
Where on earth is that dog?
Have you seen a large golden
Hound wearing spectacles?
Him : I am sure that the guy who will come in your life, will be the luckiest man ever.
**Meanwhile me in my mind**
"Why can't it be you..?"
#Story of my life.
Boys you are not alone😅
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
The best moment in the day is when a parent can take a crap and the door stays closed.
No locks are picked , no names are called or questions asked.
This is a moment that happens when school is in 😂
We may have started talking for about 8 years but we knew each other since elementary. I do remember way back. We weren't really fond of each other. But every since then we've become close and glad we are getting closer. Everyone here knows you as the Mystery Man. But to me, you were always a familiar. Your compassionate, charming, considerate, caring, and funny. You bring light into my world and I don't ever want the flame to go out.
This conversation. Dot dot dot. Was all for naught in the early oughts.
“This is perfect“, spoke Strang.
“Look at the bun”, spoke Moses, master of puppies.
Looks like this ......
Then it just comes back 😂😂😂
I meant to send this to you like... 🤔 Gosh, I need to look at a calendar.
🤦🏻♀️ Hang on.😅 On the 8th, like ten days ago. Ah well, better late than never.
I'm not sure if David told you, but we went to watch the "Phantom of the Opera" together with a colleague of his earlier this month.
I think you would have enjoyed it, which I told David and he said you would. However, you wouldn't spend as much as we did on it. 🤭💸
Anyways, I did have this odd moment. When there were the scary entrances of the phantom, I would hold onto your twin's wrist or arm (The effects were fabulous!). Your brother was such a gentleman, and when I asked, he was understanding and didn't mind me.
Tw: fr Omfg tbh ngl irl ull c ur abt wtf w e ppl smh af tfw OMG pls ur bf n gf r lol rn n m dms bc i rlly shld imao id b idk kms ig rly jk LMFAO gn TL bae ttyl
Reason Not to Eat Shrimps
Years ago, a man was riding the train from New Orleans, eating a bag of fresh shrimp, ripping them apart, and throwing the shells out the window.
The woman sitting opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
He replied, "It's none of your business, hon. I paid my fare and I'll do what I want."
And he continued until he finished the bag. Full, he settled back for a nap. The woman pulled out her knitting. Soon all the man could hear was that incessant clicking and clacking.
Soon he said, "Would you stop that noise? I'm trying to sleep!"
She replied, "It's none of your business. I paid my fare and I'll do what I want."
The man gr...
♑CAPRICORNIO (22 Dic. - 19 Ene.)
Como ayer, pero un poco peor...
N° de la suerte: ∞
Animal de la suerte: Grifa (hembra del grifo, pastrulo mal pensado)
Frase del día: "Tarde o temprano te iba a dejar, ya lo sabías".
(Horóscopo de mierda)
Today, I was feeling so weirdly proud that people do gaze at me intently when I strike a conversation.
And then I realized that it wasn’t my eyes or red-stained lips. Or even my smile or my eye contact.
All along, it was my pimple’s doing! My dear extra appendage was about to erupt!
I am now torn if I should pop it or not, now that I am enjoying the attention.
Kidding. I hate the attention. Good bye pimple.
Not gonna miss you at all,
"The puzzled thieves 😉"
All 6 of them sat around the table when they heard someone banging loudly, on the front door. For a second everyone froze. Could it be?....", if its the police, there life is gone.
The situation had began four hours before. It was when two among the known thieves decided to rob a diamond merchant in the city. They broke into the shop and took all the diamonds they could find within a short span of time. Everything was clean and perfect and no evidence was left to trace.
However, the trouble began later on. Thry had taken 301 diamonds and as and when they tried to devide it equally 1 diamond was left and was arguing for the 1 extra diamond.
Listening to their argument...
My name is Merideth.
And my favorite past time is putting trust into people who don’t deserve it.
My grandkids call me Gangsta Granny( David Williams) because she eats cabbage soup and always passes wind.
We wrote this for your amusement... Hopefully you will find it funny...toilet humour as I call it ,which children always find funny...
Granny why do you eat so much cauliflower, it only makes you trump
Granny why do you eat so much broccoli, it only makes you fart
Granny why do you eat so many leeks ,they only make you blow off
Granny why are you always letting one go
Why my darling grandchildren ,as if you didn't know
I'm a vegetarian ,and vegetables are what I eat
Gassy brassicas produce loud farts
Pretending it wasn't you that did it is a fine art!!!!😱👼💣
Rome was not built in a day.
Witnessing it was surreal in every way.
Be a Roman when in Rome,
And then I realize that now, its time to go home.
#pun-intended #just for fun