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February 16, 2020
 

Texts from the builder last week.

He wrote;-

"Morning martin marks mum got flooded out on sunday so he is sorting her out so will not get to u till tomz cheers"

The following day Mark turned up at mine, I asked, as you would, hows your mums house?

Response "eh"

I said "after the flood there"

He said "eh, what flood?"

After a bit he said  "no flood, oh was double booked, gaffer messed up"

So I did a quirky text to Mark's boss.....

"Mark told me about the flood at his mum's house, and how he saw two squirrels being swept  away. The silence of the squirrels will always haunt him"

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY 2020
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February 7, 2020
 

It's like......

I told a friend I've not kissed a lady in 5 years.

My mate told me "it's like  riding a bike"

I can't ride a bike!

JUST LOVE
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February 4, 2020
 

Waiting for the Gasman,

Sat here waiting for Tom,
Hopefully my gas fire soon will be gone.

Please come soon you hear be beg,
Hang on is that you at Gregg's!

You might be here today maybe tomorrow,
You've gone on holiday?.....oh the sorrow.

ART OF WRITING
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January 30, 2020
 

My dearest readers!
It is amazing the things you remberer. When you are talking to a friend, you haven't seen in years. I was remind of a funny story about being young.
When I was young, and dumb. A friend and I got into my grandparents liquor cabinet. And stole a really expensive bottle of wine. And a bottle of gray goose vodka. That was the last time I ever drank vodka. I can't even smell it. Without getting sick, to this day. A neighbor had this really stubborn donkey. So we thought it would be a great idea to take him for a ride. Our high school was about a mile and a half from where we lived. Some how we rode him all the way there. I don't know why the doors to the school was open. But ...

SUMMER IS AN ADVENTURE
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January 23, 2020
 

Poem about a Pet: (just being silly)
  Companion,    Dog,    Cat,   Turtle,
        Rabbit,    Snake,  Company,    Parrot

What can I say, I've never owned a pet
It's hard to keep up with the things I need
Why would I take Garfield to the vet cause his fat ass ate more lasagna than me
I don't go to the doctor unless I'm seconds away from popping out my own seed
Timmy can stay trapped in that well, Now get Lassie
Most see a snake an think that's the companion I need
I want to tie that bastard in a knot for talking to that bitch Eve
Ive been invited to wonderland for a cup of tea
politely look at Alice an said no thank you but, a rabbits company won't fix me
Heckle and Jeckle more like Dr Hyd...

LOVE,PEACE AND UNDERSTANDING
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January 21, 2020
 

Here’s to happy accidents!
I started yesterday as a mess!
But then found something that
I’d though I’d lost! It’s quite fun when..
A day turns around! Isn’t it? :)

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MLK DAY
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January 17, 2020

Would you rather live on a houseboat or in a log cabin in the forest/mountains?
     Log Cabin

Would you rather have the ability to read people’s minds or the super power to see into the future?
    Well shit this one is hard! I don't know that I would want either but I guess read  
    minds

Would you rather be hot at night without a blanket or cold even though you are bundled up in covers?
     COLD with a blanket!

Would you rather go to your 25th reunion and nobody recognizes you or have everybody comment on how old you look?
    Im ok with no one recognizing me! Who TF wants to be told they look old!

Would you rather live your entire life in a submarine in the Mariana Tre...

FUN TIMES
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January 9, 2020
 

🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂

I love this emoji...is it happy?
Is it lowkey pissed ?
Is it trying to kill u?
Is it tired of ur shit??
Nobody knows!!!

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TAKE TIME TO WRITE
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December 28, 2019
 

Flukelang

Ka kow
Pow pow  
Chi chi cheng cheng
Klick klack kleng kleng

Raw straws
cats paws
Guilty dogs
Drunk frogs

Pet parrots
Eating carrots
Rabbits staring
At them ferrets

Old trains
Break those chains
Don't use your head
Use your brains
- Arbikshe

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2019
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December 19, 2019
 

'Daft' is just a vowel far from 'deft'.

- Chandresh Parmar

SEE IT SHARP
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November 23, 2019
Islamabad, Pakistan

We are all in tension, how to get at-tention ( attention ).

😂

ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS
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November 2, 2019
 

*Understanding a Woman*

A friend once said to me
"you look like a guy that understands women"

So I replied with
"I am a step closer to generally understanding women, I guess".

He then asked me to tell him what I know on how to understand women. So I looked him dead in his eyes and said
"The first and most important rule to understanding a woman, is to admit to yourself that you will never completely understand women."

Dumbfounded he asked
"How is that even 'understanding' women?"

I replied with
"Understanding that you dont understand something is the first step to understanding it. In other words, I simply do not understand women. Does that not put me one step closer to understanding wo...

I GUESS
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November 1, 2019
 

LOL
Here is my entry. Credits : Quora answer by Mike Zsarko

Back in the early eighties before the days of cell phones you could call a phone number and a robotic voice would tell you the time. It would just keep repeating till you hung up.

I had a bass player that we used for awhile that was, for lack of a better word, a royal douchebag. He was good looking and he had a long time girlfriend. But we’d go out on the road and he’d cheat with anything in a dress. One day his girlfriend decides to surprise him while we were out on the road a few hundred miles away. She goes up to his hotel room and finds someone else in the bed.

She never said a word. She packed all her stuff and left his house...

KISS A PRINCE
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October 31, 2019
 

Next person to walk outta my life...
I swear...
I'm going with 'em...
I'm sick of my shit too!

   (Saw this on FB -Unknown)

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PACKED
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October 28, 2019
 

Dear letterists,

A new week, a new challenge! This time we ask you to write a funny story or poem! We challenge you to put a smile on the faces of your fellow letterists.

Tag your letter "lol".

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THAT '70S SHOW
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October 10, 2019
 

As the night falls, and the cold air cools his face, he allows the tears to run freely. As he looks up to the stars he takes a big breath and sits down on the bench.... "Oh man! Seriously?!" The bench was freshly painted. Todau is just not your day, dude. Not your day.

MADE WITH LOVE
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October 4, 2019
 

The sea was wild and the boat was rocking back and forth. For the first time in a long time, he wasn't sure he was going to make it. For just a few seconds he closed his eyes and thought of what made him happy, more than anything else in the world.....Pizza. Pizza was the answer to his problems.

INSPIRE THROUGH WORDS
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