What You Like Vs What You Need
A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.
He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."
She smiled pleasantly and asked, "And what would you like?"
The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly...
But what I *need* is a new tie!...
A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advice and warning by her mother, "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;
1. Kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,
2. Or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and
3. Never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."
The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back.
"How was it?" asks mom.
"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"
~My Unconventional Family~
Conversations in this household on any given night include and are certainly not limited to; murder by glucose injection, guests staying the night followed by howling and barking noises coming from the room they're staying in... Oh my! 👀
~Haunting Memories of my Past~
Williston, ND (The real FRIGID HELL right here on planet Earth)
This is where it all started to unfold...
the first date.. the first kiss..
I feel like everything that has happened in my life led me to you and finding you IS and HAS BEEN exactly where I’m meant to be. This is my TRUTH.
My choices both good and bad,all the heartaches I didn’t understand, all the times I felt broken with the bitter taste of regret lingering...After this night I realized it ALL HAD to happen.. EVERYTHING. All of it. Because when I’m with you, it all seems worth it, my past no longer feels irreparable or hurts so bad because it would’ve only taken ...
The act of making love may be a lot like a late-night party.
Some do it,
because they’re happy.
Some others do it,
To get happy.
(Which is very sad though, btw)
I dont know who needs to hear this
But the money
Is under the toy box.
Said i was going to find love
That he was going to be
Well, i guess Im getting
A Christmas message from Santa...
Self-sabotage is like an internal eject button. If we don’t take action to fix something, to stare down our problem, our inner self will take over.
Rather than solve the problem, it will make it worse, it will turn one bandaid into many.
Don’t let your internal self take over. When it pushes eject, it doesn't check for a parachute.
I can find no Godzilla to protect us from these awful Christmas presents. It’s a frozen egg, and I’m sorry Patrick, it’s a slippery slope. My iPad is on the fritz and I need to reopen our local McDonald’s which is closed for the holidays.
This message has been made possible by the generous support of viewers like you. Additional funding provided by The U.S. Department of Education, The Alfred P Sloan Foundation, The Carnegie Corporation of New York, The Chump group of insurance companies, for one hundred years providing insurance for thousands of brokers around the world. And by the corporation of public broadcasting.
Good morning !
Why do everybody wishes you good morning ?
--- because it is well known that you have come to reality
And it sucks 😝
The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my breasts and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt between my legs and yelled, 'who left the garage door open?'"
I have just two things to say.
1). Stop snoring.
2). Eat radishes for a healthy ear drum.
3). Stop at a gas station, now, please we’re scared and hungry!
Sausage eggs and quesadillas make a baby happy for food!
It doesn't matter how much loud your alarm sounds
The thing that matters is how many times you snooze your alarm
If you want to get rid of
I promise you
It makes the run fast.
You know you're out of shape when you get out of breath putting your seatbelt on.
My mind got blown out when I realized
Cupid and Stupid rhymed perfectly.
My analogy to the phrase: "The glass half empty."
"I can only taste the missing ingredient."
Inspired by: My Sisters Home Made Stuffing.🤣
Happy Thanksgiving a few days too late😋😋
p.s. My Sisters stuffing was awesome!!😄