|I'm something of a mixed bag with much of my talent in most things creative - though my main areas of interest are writing and photography.|
Six months post release, I'm still sitting here, in limbo, fighting the urge to contact You every day.
I see now why they say that it takes at least a year to recover from a relationship like O/ours.
I draw comfort from the fact that You flashed a poem up on Facebook for a few hours the other day. It was just enough for me to know that You are still alive... for the first time since March.
I'm unable to bond with anyone other than You and I'm slowly getting used to the idea that this is the end of the journey within this lifestyle for me.
At least, in the end, I got the one thing that I always wanted... a taste of true love. It feels fitting that I should bow out now, while I'...
What a funny old year
I never thought I'd be facing the things I fear
Being cast out on my ear
By the one I hold dear
Even after 5 months
I'm not over the hump
The slightest thing gives me the grumps
And memories feel like lumps
For so long, I prayed for a word
I wondered if he even cared
Then, one night, he heard
And a poem was shared
It didn't stay for long
I guess the fit was wrong
It was enough for my heart to burst into song
Despite the emotional pong
One thing that I'm finding these days is that either we have no heartbreak papers or they are just too hard for me to find as I am writing.
I'm still not over Sire by a long chalk. I recently went on a spending spree in an attempt to feel better. I bought myself a rotary pencil sharpener and some colouring pencils from Amazon... they are hardly essential items but I find that I really need them for my mental wellbeing right now.
Colouring is bringing me some joy in my life and I'm learning that it's okay to take a popular character like Disney's and add your own twist to them... that's helped me to see that Disney's decision to not allow adults dressed as characters into the p...
Look at that cutter
Watch her suffer
In a mind full of clutter
For her, there will be no summer
She's left out in the cold
No hand to hold
Unable to be bold
Her heart is still sold
She sits and shivers
As the world she knows glimmers
She knows what it can give her
If she could only deliver
Every day, more of her hopes
Her grip weakens on the ropes
Her spirit slowly revokes
It's been 8 weeks since that fateful day
When he walked away
I try to be happy and gay
I couldn't make him stay
I still cry
My mind asks "Why"?
What was the point in telling a lie
I feel like I might die
He took my heart in his pocket
Just like a locket
As I hit the floor like a rocket
Now I have this empty socket
He said I'd find someone new
As he ripped my heart in two
My heart screams "There's only you"
My head whispers "Don't leave me blue".
What would I do in a world with no rules???
It's funny that this challenge has come up right now because I had come to update you all on the fact that Sire has released me and I am no longer owned.
Since my release, I went off the rails and rebelled against all the rules that He left me. It turns out that this is a bad idea... not only was I doing dangerous things, but I ended up getting severely depressed, too.
I was fortunate in that another Dom found me and took me under his protection, even though we are incompatible for anything more than that.
I'm slowly finding my feet now and returning to my old self, though I have decided that I won't be replacing Sire for a while y...
You bastard. I can't believe that you raped me.
The first time that you touched me in 3 years and you fucking raped me???
As if the pain that you inflicted on me was bad enough, I then had to sit through you bragging to my big brother that we "had sex last night".
Sex doesn't hurt... sex doesn't split skin. No, that's not consensual sex, you arse hole and you fucking know it!!!
i decided that i want to make Sire and i a lap blanket each. i actually started to make Sire's yesterday and made a start on my own today. His is currently further along than mine is, so i will be working more on my own for now because i want to get them both completed at around the same time.
i have carefully chosen the yarn that i am using for them and the stitch that i am making them in is a stitch that i will only ever make these two blankets in because it is time consuming and slow growing... however, it also makes them nice and warm which is a trade off that i am happy about.
Long before i even started this project, i had this romantic notion of Sire feeling protective a...
i hate her!!!
Sire is fighting with His wife again. Though He said nothing about her today, and i didn't ask, it's kind of obvious to me that He's getting into a certain mindset to deal with her come the end of the day.
i sent Him my usual "Good night" message and told Him that i love Him in case He's not here for me to tell in the morning (i always try to make my final words to Him "i love You" - no matter how bad a day W/we have had).
Anyways, He replied back and bade me "Good night" in return - but He forgot to tell me that He loves me. i know that it's just a small detail and i'm probably thinking more of it than i should - but it made me feel that there is a sense of sad...
Surely, her life wasn't meant to be this way?
Unsure whether to go or stay...
Feeling tired each and every day.
Where she should be working
It's in her bed she's lurking
No, she's not shirking
Her body needs reworking
i am tired of feeling so damn tired all the time!!!
Now that i have this illness, i need to sleep more than the typical person anyway... but its made so much worse by events where i have to try to rush.
i had one such event happen on Friday, when i was late for an appointment in the city because the buses weren't running on time so i had to rush from the bus station to the office i needed to attend.
By the time i got there, my legs felt like i had lead weights attached to my calves and i could see huge black spots in front of my eyes.
i staggered to the toilet because i needed a bathroom break before i could see the person that i needed to see after an hour on the bus. And m...
You got this.
You aren't alone in dealing with the clean up from mum's cancer anymore.
It's going to hurt like Hell when her time comes, but you'll put on a brave face and a strong front to hold it together for the rest of the family because that's what is expected of you and that's what you do best.
Privately, you'll get through it in the same way as you have everything else in the past two years... you'll hit rock bottom and end up clinging to Sire as you try to find your feet all over again.
Be gentle with yourself as you go through that process, though. You need and deserve the help that you'll get when the time comes.
As far as years go, 2019 has been hugely stressful for me. It started back in January, when mum was admitted to hospital.
She would spend 3 weeks there - almost dying at one point. One of the hardest things that i've ever had to do was walk out of that ward, not knowing if this was the last time i would ever see my mother again or not.
Fortunately, she turned the corner overnight and was ultimately discharged from hospital.
A few months later came more bad news. Now, mum has lung cancer.
She went through radiotherapy and we have been at the "wait and see" stage ever since then. We have passed one appointment where she was supposed to find out if the radiotherapy was successf...
i keep thinking about the choice that i have ahead of me.
It's not really much of a choice either way... I either stay in my marriage and live with the abuse that is my life, or I flee and take my chances living homeless on the streets.
2019 has been an eventful year for me, with me already spending a few hours homeless on the streets. Sire has also managed a week of being homeless on the streets this year, too.
Even though Sire has forbidden me from just walking out onto the streets, i really don't see what other options are available to me, given that Sire and i have already exhausted all the options that should be there for people living with abuse.
i turned to mum for pr...
She's sitting over there
Her lips say "I care"
Her actions say the words she doesn't dare
All i can do is sit and stare
Deep in my heart is a plea
Please set Yourself free
You don't deserve to be stung by this bee
Walk away and come to me
There are words i can't say
Prices i can't ask You to pay
So i allow You to stay
In harm's way
i still love my Sire!!!
Today, He challenged me to investigate why i feel the way that i do about touch.
i found out that what i thought was a quirk that i was alone with isn't just me being me, after all.
It's actually a phobia that is linked to PTSD in my case. It's called haphephobia.
It feels strange for me to finally have a name for it and to find that i'm not alone with it. There are others out there who can describe what i go through in a way where it might as well have been written by me!
i was so delighted to finally have a name for it that i couldn't help but give Sire a review of my answers at the same time as i was still researching everything.
On the other sid...
Alone she waits.
Sire is busy trying to fix that that she fears could be beyond repair.
she could try to change things one way or the other, but she senses that He at least needs to try this, so she lets Him do it His way.
For once, both her head and her heart are aching in equal measure because she wants to save Him from the pain that she fears is heading His way - but, the only thing that she can do is watch helplessly as the grizzly scene unfolds before her very eyes.
her head wants Him away from the object of His torture... her heart wants Him to be happy - no matter what the cost to her is.
She's telling herself that it doesn't matter... He owes her nothing.
Her emotions are killing her as she desires the best for Him and she hates the fact that it doesn't look like He's going to get it on the path that He's chosen.
It's taken all that she has to put on her happy face and try to be happy for Him... knowing that He most likely doesn't see how she feels about Him.
It's probably best that He is gone from her now... at least she doesn't have to pretend to be happy anymore and she can die inside all alone now.
It's not like she was ever going to get to escape the endless cycle of abuse anyway - at least, this way, He doesn't have to find out how her de...
She closes her eyes and looks away because she doesn't think that her Sire can see the truth before Him.
Maybe He can... maybe He can't - either way, the whole mess is breaking her heart.
her mind says to let go and walk away - her heart just can't let go, even though this experience is now starting to mirror the one before.
her Sire has already been kicked out onto the streets like worthless garbage and she's very much mindful of His health. she's terrified that He's going to get badly hurt and have no one there when He needs it the most.
she's all alone now, longing for His arms each and every day.
i can't shake the feeling that some things should be sacred between a Dominant and His submissive. i'm probably reading more into this than there is, but i am a little hyper sensitive right now - as Sire found out tonight.
Sire managed to upset and confuse me tonight, so He had to come onto the website, where He knew that i would be talking to my sister submissive and her dominant.
As He embarked on the process of calming me down, He said a specific sentence to me. These particular words were among some of the very first words that i heard Him speak to me, so they have a particular sentimental significance to me, and will calm me in most any situation.
A few moments a...
i stand here in my corner, silently watching you pass me by
Wondering if you see these things i hide
Buried under this mask of pride
How many times have i lied?
You probably think i'm strong
But, you'd be wrong
i've had to be this way for so long
It may well be lifelong
There are things that i hide
Many tears that i've cried
As another part of me died
At night, my brain fried
Trying to stem the tide
Dear Business Adviser,
i'm seriously annoyed with you right now.
i get that you are just doing your job - which is to advise me on how to establish my business... but, at the same time, there's still a huge amount that you aren't factoring in that would be beneficial to me.
Firstly, all my products are entirely handmade by me and me alone - which takes time... admittedly, i made a dumb decision initially, which you drew my attention to and i modified my ideas in accordance with that, however, since then, W/we have had another shit storm land on O/our heads as far as my health is concerned. In addition to your appointments and courses, the appointments with my work coach and doctor's ...
2019 hasn't been particularly kind to me so far. We are just 10 days into February and i've almost lost my mum once already.
Fortunately, i had Sire to turn to in my hour of need because 14+ hours out of work between the course that i had to attend and visiting the hospital took a terrible toll on me as the days ticked on.
Now that mum is recovering and has returned home again, i find myself still unable to visit her because i am stuck at home providing all of my husband's care since he has been confined to the house now and it doesn't look like that situation will be changing in at least the next two weeks.
i can't even leave him for longer than a few minutes at a time becau...
Sitting at His feet
Is where two worlds meet
Thoughts that could fill many a sheet
And the calm of an empty street
Deep within the chaos of her mind
Lurk the thoughts so unkind
And events she longs to unwind
The things that should be left behind
The silence that He brings
Enables her to do noble things
Like cutting unnecessary strings
And healing past stings
Already this year
She almost lost someone dear
She faced that fear
Without shedding a tear
His gentle care
Made it easy to share
Thoughts she usually doesn't dare
Since others can't handle the scare
i can barely even breathe as i await Sire waking up to verify whether He still wants me or not.
The pain that i feel is almost unbearable... and i've retired to bed in an attempt to try to sleep through it.
Sire has been pretty quiet again today, which was rough on me... though i tried to not let it get to me and i channelled my energy into thinking about and answering some of the questions that He has been asking me about.
i've managed to get down two so far... though one was a reminder of a question that i had answered before, but i think that my answer has changed slightly since Sire initially asked me the question - and i know for a fact that my answer was slightly different again when i answered it for the third time on my blog yesterday. i doubt that Sire would complain a whole lot, though, since my latest answer gives Him more scope than my previous two answers.
i got such...
Sire had to go dark for a while... and now i can finally let these feelings free.
i'm sitting here in my vanilla mind, trying to decide if it is best to remain over on Tumblr, in the hope that He can ultimately learn how it works, or if i should bring Him here, where all of my history is.
The thing is that, even if He does learn how Tumblr works, how long before He forgets again??? How long before He forgets me???
i've finally caved in and allowed the tears to run down my face at the sheer helplessness that i feel right now.
i understand His reluctance to tell me what He finally told me this morning... though i've been left with more questions than i have answers for - and i...
Always the calm in the storm
When i feel so worn
And my emotions are torn
Feeling so forlorn
Sometimes, a different angle
Can provide a path to wrangle
Though Our emotions are mangled
And Our worlds tangled
You have become my light
That makes so much right
i don't want to lose the fight
So i prepare to take flight
The idea that one might leave
Makes my heart grieve
And my stomach heave
Alone in the dark
Is no walk in the park
Though no one sees the mark
Of having no one to hark
As i waste my time looking for a job that i know that i don't have a hope of maintaining in the longer term, one thing is painfully clear to me...
And that is the sheer number of adverts all looking to tempt our citizens to work overseas.
In the past 3 hours that I have been looking for work, I've read adverts trying to get me to move to America, Japan, Australia and even Saudi Arabia!!!
More often than not, the vacancies that they are looking to fill are above my particular skill set, too... which makes me wonder if we were better off under the old system where we could only search and apply for local jobs - especially those of us who live in more deprived areas? Let's face ...
How difficult is it to understand the fact that denying your wife access to medication that only costs a few pence to buy because you want to buy an extra bottle of milk is likely to be abuse - particularly when the money that you are doing it with is her money in the first place.
he's also enjoying trying to ramp up my stress levels even further by refusing to take me to the job centre tomorrow, too. That doesn't really bother me so much because i expect to be sanctioned tomorrow regardless of if i attend the job centre or not - the only difference is that if i don't go, then my last remaining blood pressure tablet might last me a little while longer.
i now have 2 shiny job a...