the Winged Messen...
|Who am I, you ask? I’m just a girl who believes in the power of compassion and the magic of loving each other ❤️ #FearMyPluto|
I wanted to be more..
More than just a stupid bitch
More than just a piece of ass
More than just a place to stay when
you have no where else to crash
More than the things you stole from me
More than a quest for you
to say you conquered
More than just a “white girl”
More than second or third choice
More than a sick bitch
More than a trophy
More than an object
More than your personal punching bag
More than your rage release
More than my drugs
More than your drugs
More than money
More than a sugar momma
More than a side show to conceal in a tent
More than being left behind
More than your blame
More than my own cryin damn shame
~Releasing the Beast~
I can’t even tell you how much distaste I feel for you right now.
You’ve finally managed to push me into the point of no return. You could’ve had it all and I’m glad I decided to snap today because you’re not worth two flips of a fucking wooden nickel. You’re a fat ass, disrespectful, illiterate, thieving, lying, spic scum that deserves to rot in hell for the angst and turmoil you cause in other people’s lives.
Just as I’ve felt the snap in the past regarding other exes, yours for me happened tonight out of sheer frustration. That’s it. Game over.
Just like that, it is over. You’re no longer appealing to me. Matter of fact, you make me sick and your sick mental h...
I think what hurts the most is that all the things I suffered through were for nothing. It was all for nothing and didn’t mean a damn thing.
For me, my severely deformed finger signified how much pain I’d suffer through for the glory of our love.
My bashed face meant I was willing to stay despite the blow I had taken.
The three weeks I struggled through in Texas was proof I had the ability to stick it out longer than most.
The drain on my back account to put money on his books and the funding if phone calls was meant to prove I had an obsessive type of loyalty and I was unwilling to let even the most adverse actions compromise it.
But when he left and wal...
Learning another valuable yet most painfully excruciating lesson right now.
I mean, honestly, it was silly to do to begin with but in my defense I honestly felt in my heart that it would turn out as it should and all would be right in my world for even just a moment... after everything I’ve been through, I still had hope to hold on tight to... that is, until I didn’t.
Sometimes, we put faith into something no one else believes; be it an idea, a thought, a goal, a pursuit in the chase for happiness, a person... I myself had bet upon a human.. I went up against every adversary, every so called “friend” that shot down my faith in this ...
~Take a Load Off~
Kind of a novel idea about making the world a better place and in doing so releasing a burden you may or may not be carrying..
Here’s the thing though, chances are if you find yourself thinking of someone you could and just mayyyybeee should forgive while reading this lovely blog post (but that ego keeps the death grip on the dirty deed making it all but impossible to let go) than it’s a burden being carried.
Take a load off.. release the beast and find it in your heart to just forgive and let it go.
Strong women amaze me.
We go through a plethora of scenarios meant to test us, encouraged to break our spirit and soften our stance and yet instead of becoming weaker, our strength multiplied.
My girlfriend has been staying here since recently coming back from a domestic situation in Texas which turned violent .. we spent most of the night talking, telling tales of real life scenarios we were able, by the grace of all that is sacred and holy, to endure, sustain and conquer when the odds were stacked against us.
We aren’t meant to be controlled, we didn’t come equipped with a remote and shame those that think they should make an attempt to try. One thing I know for certain, the day wi...
And just like that it hit me hard when I knew you were never coming back.
And everyone I talk to is happy you’re gone except me and no one can understand after how completely hateful and bogus you were and have been to me, how little for my regard you thought of me and the way you mistreated and abused me in Texas as to why I sit and just cry while cradling my head in my hands to hide the shame on my face.
Everyday since being home I’d wake up and check my phone to see if you were back. If by some chance by the grace of God you were going to come to me with comprehension of the ways in which you wronged me, the ways in which you jeopardized our relationship and make amends. Instead of ...
~Good Things Are Coming~
I’m finally to a point in my life where I’m no longer willing to compromise my wants and needs when forming an intimate union with my other half. I suppose if he were to be my true significant other, he wouldn’t want me to either.
Last year I felt as though I “lost” a lot of people I didn’t think I could live without and this year the stage is set a bit differently as now I’m actually “cutting” people out of my life by choice.
I crave deep connections and if perhaps upon our meeting they should develop in the shallow end of the pool and end up staying there like a stagnant energy of two master minds, I just keep swimming because I have no time to justify w...
Just sitting here pondering and entertaining the thought about not having parents to rely on since I was 15 years old.. kinda have mixed feelings about that.. like did it make me stronger and better suited to embrace adulthood to rely solely on myself or did it make me fiercely independent with a tinge of bitter resentment? Maybe all of the above?
It’s been so long I don’t even know what having a cushion to catch me if I fall feels like... I haven’t had anyone to fall back on in what seems like in so long... I’ve always had to stand on my own two feet and be damn sure I didn’t fall.. I walked that line with the precision of a hungry tiger stalking its prey.. ...
Healing sucks. It hurts. The pain seeking an outlet from within the center, working its way through every fiber of the being. Bones cracking, nerves tingling, organs bursting, cells bum rushing like a football player attempting to gain yardage, blood boiling, skin searing and feeling like it’s being peeled back from the body to open up the softened, pliable soul. It screams inside the head. The little inner voice telling you to just give up and make it go away.. one phone call and it all ceases to exist.. it’s terrorizing, it’s malicious, it’s fabricated bullshit just to twist the mind into believing thoughts you’d be better off. Lies we tell ourselves. Enlightened and ...
I scream in pain
Heavy hands pummel my flesh
Busting my veins
Falling face first I feel the wetness
As the blood begins to drain
Soaking my clothes like a warm summer rain
You’re not done
No not yet
The blows keep coming like a sure bet
You refuse to let up
You have no regrets
Rage fuels your fire
I look up as I see the flames in your eyes
Your fists intent with desire
I hear the bone crack as you make contact
I winch from the sound
I’ve played your game
Round for round
Like a one sided boxing match
I don’t dare make a sound
What is like you ask?
Why did I stay?
There’s something in the toxicity
An ingredient that bonds the heart
To the synchronicity
You’re nothing mo...
It’s so foreign and strange that we can go from dating and sharing the most intimate parts of ourselves with another person we connect with one day to damn near complete strangers who can hardly hold more than a one word conversation with the next.
It just baffles me, this type of disconnect. I can grasp the fact that some people just aren’t meant for us so we won’t be sharing that type of intimacy any longer but I can’t wrap my head around the strain and struggle to even speak to one another.. the awkward feeling accompanied with the struggle to find the appropriate words, it all feels so yucky.
Those weird one word replies we use in order to reach desperately to grab ahold of something...
He finally admitted
that he misses me..
He doesn’t really miss me
He misses some go abuse...
he misses using me
He misses abusing me
He misses having
someone to ignore
He misses having
someone to mistreat
He misses having
someone to beat on
He misses someone
he can use as a sound board
He misses making someone cry
He misses having
someone to blame
He misses pointing
the finger at someone
He misses redirecting attention from him to someone else
He misses verbally assaulting me
He misses having someone
at his disposal 24/7
He misses someone
waiting around for him
He misses being able
To be the one walking away
He misses leaving me alone
He misses taking
I revealed to him how he was like a drug for me, an addiction and how I struggled with my past attempts to quit him. I told I loved him regardless of the nastiness displayed when we fight. I repeated with conviction
how absolutely livid he makes me but no matter what, that at the end of the day.. I got nothing but love.
Something I noticed about Juan I’ve never noticed prior to this trip is the way he can at times literally look simultaneously like both a different and the same person, depending on which personality you’re getting. Like literally he’s the same guy but can take on different looks and it’s quite fascinating.
A True Gemini trait but he’s many instead of just two just as some astrologers have written stating that Gemini can mimic any of all twelve zodiac signs.
My favorites are “Working Juan” always physical, ambitious, knowledgeable, the uncanny ability to find innovative ways in which to utilize resources available to get a job done, always resourceful and willing...
I feel like he can’t comprehend how his behavior was a direct cause of the way in which I had a reaction. He takes no responsibility for his conduct and feels my energy just comes spontaneously out of nowhere. It’s so fucking frustrating to feel like we could’ve had this epic union of all unions and he ruined it with no recognition of his part in the destruction.
I am in no way making excuses for him, for his rage, violence and anger.. what I am attempting to do is see where I went wrong so I can gain the valuable lessona attached to our coming together and again our separation. I feel there are no coincidences and everything happens for a reason and I just need ...
~Can’t Fix Stupid~
Just because I haven’t been confrontational about the manipulative deceit I knew going on behind the scenes, doesn’t mean I didn’t know.. I just don’t consider you or your salty shady skank spic ass worth another minute of my precious time. They say ignorance is bliss and I suppose it is when you tend to think no one is smarter than you are (can’t fix stupid) .. truth is.. I’ve known for awhile and wanted to see how long you were gonna play and how far you were willing to go .. but the sneaking around like a salty shady bish doesn’t even bother me.. the part I found even more disturbing was the fact that instead of being a man of integrity, a man of honor and t...
I won’t ever need to strain my brain to recall your memory because the scar tissue will always remind me of that place I’d never been, with a guy I never really knew, that left me with a wound deeper than I’ve ever really known.
You really suck.
It’s incredibly painful to cut ties with another individual on such a deeply profound soul level.
Intimate bonds are significantly deeper than anything superficial or average and the heart wants what it wants.
Logic defies emotion is such cases unless we possess the ability to actively direct our will to force our vibration to operate at a higher frequency level.
The problem is, I’m afraid of heights.
He is my twin flame, my other half and being rejected, feeling misunderstood, getting ignored and detested by him feels like I’m actually rejecting a part of myself in some way. As if the soul contract was severed and the agreement we made with each other in ...
Up trying to process these sticky icky emotions I’m feeling.. yesterday I cleaned attempting to keep my thoughts and feeling at bay and then the insomnia kicked in so I organized a few closets and then I slept most of the day away and now I’m trying to finish up the mega piles of laundry that accumulated while I was gone and my thoughts just keep churning in the hamster wheel inside my head. I have so many unanswered questions, I know I’ll never get. I’m not sure why I even care, that’s the worst part.
Part of me feels so traumatized.. it’s so unbelievably uncomfortable to think a person could ever treat another human being the way I was treated, without regard to even my basic needs (foo...
~Have You Ever?~
I did one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do today. Have you ever had to walk away from someone you still loved immensely and valued dearly because you have to put yourself first and it’s not something you’re accustomed to doing?
Yeah, I did that today. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t say goodbye. I wanted to, I wanted to give him one last hug. I wanted to sleep with him one last time. I wanted to feel his body against mine. I wanted to feel his lips on mine just one more time. I didn’t but damn it took every ounce of strength in my core to just load the car and drive away without looking back and every bit of better judgement in my soul to think o...
As I opened the passenger door to exit the car, in one swift, sudden and forceful move he had me by the neck in a choke hold from behind me.
He was shaking with adrenaline. He’s grabbed me forcefully before so I wasn’t afraid like I should be.. I had no idea what would happen in the near future as the situation escalated.
He began talking through his teeth demanding I give it back to him. His breath hot, voice raspy. I told him I threw it out the window.
I can’t recall any more words, just a feeling of powerlessness.
What I do remember is his arm fully extended to the side and high above my head. His left arm while his right arm still held my neck tight and both of my hands hol...
In the last week I was hit so hard in the back of the head it knocked me clear off my feet, I was fired from my new job because that morning I overslept and never heard my alarm, my left ring finger got broke, my left arm is injured, there are marks and bruises from my head to my toe, got grabbed in the face so hard my back tooth came loose, I was hauled away from a home by the police after I attempted to flee the scene in his truck, left behind at his family’s like I’m their responsibility, been cheated on, lied to, verbally abused, assaulted. My check from work never got direct delayed, I’m miles away from home and stranded.
Then to top it all off, my girlfriend’s husband was selling me ...
if it isn’t meeting your needs, walk away..
if it makes you defend yourself, run away...
If it isn’t reciprocating what you put in... walk away..
life is too short for anything less than what you deserve, never settle for less than what you’re worthy of and make sure it ALWAYS matches the time, effort, compassion, commitment, communication, empathy, trust and passion that you put in.
~Ignorance Is Bliss~
No matter how bad it hurts this time I’m giving up on you. You promised to stay away and hopefully you mean it because the last thing I need is your toxic ass bouncing in and out of my life whilst I make a serious attempt to deliver myself from you and your evil.
This is it. No matter the hurt now it can’t hurt as bad as your inconsistency to commit and I’m tired of being treated like a throw away option.
It’s too bad but you aren’t the one. If you were we wouldn’t constantly be separated more than we’re together so I figure this is my best chance of getting on with my life. I can concentrate on work and you can concentrate on fucking off far away from my cur...
Sitting here smiling and
reminiscing about this boy
I’m seriously missing
more than any of my childhood toys
Just a few short days ago we were sitting around watching the boob tube,
involved in my favorite sport of tongue lashings and kissing
Loving those nice full and
luscious lips when they touch mine
It’s like God’s grace
bestowed upon me
And his kiss is my blessing
Coming down smooth like white wine
It’s so spiritual all I can do
is radiate light and emit soul shine
He mesmerizes every
single one of my senses,
Who cares about the hurdles involved
and my dream of white picket fences
I can’t ever get enough of this boy
when life is going go...
Is there anything worse than feeling like an option when it comes to a person you’re always watchin?
Why does it feel like a yo-yo going down and rewound with a flick of the wrist? Pull me close then push me away in a twist and I’m always feeling’ the sway for you to display.
It’s making me dizzy and I feel so sick but worse is the fact that my hair is frizzy and you’re being a dick.
Don’t play with my heart, don’t hide the emotions. I warned you from the start I’m not something to don like some overpriced perfumed lotion.
I’m not a child’s toy to be used and then set upon some shelf for a boy such as yourself to be abused like some elf.
You’re going to lose t...
~The Apple of Your Eye~
She’s wildfire burning bright
A little contained and full of light
She’s mixed emotions with a lot of heart
But she’s too empathetic to
tear you apart
She’s deep as the ocean and
vast as the sea
She can capsize your boat and
make you an absentee
She’s got a heart heavier than
She contains so much compassion,
truth be told
She’s got a talent with words,
That ain’t for the birds
a wizardly wordsmith,
One thing is for sure
you’ll either be smitten silly or
Hurting for certain
when she slices and dices
the syllables loose and
chews you up like
the Christmas goose
She walks around as if
she’s got little wings on her shoes and
Her eyes tel...
~Proof of Service~
Talk is cheap and I’m done listening to the words when they aren’t backed by action.
I’ve been lifted up while being told too many times how my eyes hold the secrets to the universe only to be dropped on my ass by the same person a month later stating that I’m nothing more than a piece of shit based on their own struggles of insecurity.
Show me~ don’t tell me.
Every time that woman manages to interject herself into my life it literally paralyzes me.. I can’t think straight, my mind goes at ten bazillion miles an hour. My thoughts all spill over into one another where one ends and another begins immediately so every conscious thought is like scrambled eggs all running together and nothing makes any sense.
She manages to make me question who I am, my sense of being, my worth to not only my myself but what I’m worth to others as well.
I question my purpose here on this earth and so I begin to wonder if I have any purpose at all. My self esteem dwindles to a puddle of nothing.
Worthless, lack of direction , no real ...