the Winged Messen...
|Who am I, you ask? I’m just a girl who believes in the power of compassion and the magic of loving each other ❤️ #FearMyPluto|
He finally admitted
that he misses me..
He doesn’t really miss me
He misses some go abuse...
he misses using me
He misses abusing me
He misses having
someone to ignore
He misses having
someone to mistreat
He misses having
someone to beat on
He misses someone
he can use as a sound board
He misses making someone cry
He misses having
someone to blame
He misses pointing
the finger at someone
He misses redirecting attention from him to someone else
He misses verbally assaulting me
He misses having someone
at his disposal 24/7
He misses someone
waiting around for him
He misses being able
To be the one walking away
He misses leaving me alone
He misses taking
I revealed to him how he was like a drug for me, an addiction and how I struggled with my past attempts to quit him. I told I loved him regardless of the nastiness displayed when we fight. I repeated with conviction
how absolutely livid he makes me but no matter what, that at the end of the day.. I got nothing but love.
Something I noticed about Juan I’ve never noticed prior to this trip is the way he can at times literally look simultaneously like both a different and the same person, depending on which personality you’re getting. Like literally he’s the same guy but can take on different looks and it’s quite fascinating.
A True Gemini trait but he’s many instead of just two just as some astrologers have written stating that Gemini can mimic any of all twelve zodiac signs.
My favorites are “Working Juan” always physical, ambitious, knowledgeable, the uncanny ability to find innovative ways in which to utilize resources available to get a job done, always resourceful and willing...
I feel like he can’t comprehend how his behavior was a direct cause of the way in which I had a reaction. He takes no responsibility for his conduct and feels my energy just comes spontaneously out of nowhere. It’s so fucking frustrating to feel like we could’ve had this epic union of all unions and he ruined it with no recognition of his part in the destruction.
I am in no way making excuses for him, for his rage, violence and anger.. what I am attempting to do is see where I went wrong so I can gain the valuable lessona attached to our coming together and again our separation. I feel there are no coincidences and everything happens for a reason and I just need ...
~Can’t Fix Stupid~
Just because I haven’t been confrontational about the manipulative deceit I knew going on behind the scenes, doesn’t mean I didn’t know.. I just don’t consider you or your salty shady skank spic ass worth another minute of my precious time. They say ignorance is bliss and I suppose it is when you tend to think no one is smarter than you are (can’t fix stupid) .. truth is.. I’ve known for awhile and wanted to see how long you were gonna play and how far you were willing to go .. but the sneaking around like a salty shady bish doesn’t even bother me.. the part I found even more disturbing was the fact that instead of being a man of integrity, a man of honor and t...
I won’t ever need to strain my brain to recall your memory because the scar tissue will always remind me of that place I’d never been, with a guy I never really knew, that left me with a wound deeper than I’ve ever really known.
You really suck.
It’s incredibly painful to cut ties with another individual on such a deeply profound soul level.
Intimate bonds are significantly deeper than anything superficial or average and the heart wants what it wants.
Logic defies emotion is such cases unless we possess the ability to actively direct our will to force our vibration to operate at a higher frequency level.
The problem is, I’m afraid of heights.
He is my twin flame, my other half and being rejected, feeling misunderstood, getting ignored and detested by him feels like I’m actually rejecting a part of myself in some way. As if the soul contract was severed and the agreement we made with each other in ...
Up trying to process these sticky icky emotions I’m feeling.. yesterday I cleaned attempting to keep my thoughts and feeling at bay and then the insomnia kicked in so I organized a few closets and then I slept most of the day away and now I’m trying to finish up the mega piles of laundry that accumulated while I was gone and my thoughts just keep churning in the hamster wheel inside my head. I have so many unanswered questions, I know I’ll never get. I’m not sure why I even care, that’s the worst part.
Part of me feels so traumatized.. it’s so unbelievably uncomfortable to think a person could ever treat another human being the way I was treated, without regard to even my basic needs (foo...
~Have You Ever?~
I did one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do today. Have you ever had to walk away from someone you still loved immensely and valued dearly because you have to put yourself first and it’s not something you’re accustomed to doing?
Yeah, I did that today. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t say goodbye. I wanted to, I wanted to give him one last hug. I wanted to sleep with him one last time. I wanted to feel his body against mine. I wanted to feel his lips on mine just one more time. I didn’t but damn it took every ounce of strength in my core to just load the car and drive away without looking back and every bit of better judgement in my soul to think o...
As I opened the passenger door to exit the car, in one swift, sudden and forceful move he had me by the neck in a choke hold from behind me.
He was shaking with adrenaline. He’s grabbed me forcefully before so I wasn’t afraid like I should be.. I had no idea what would happen in the near future as the situation escalated.
He began talking through his teeth demanding I give it back to him. His breath hot, voice raspy. I told him I threw it out the window.
I can’t recall any more words, just a feeling of powerlessness.
What I do remember is his arm fully extended to the side and high above my head. His left arm while his right arm still held my neck tight and both of my hands hol...
In the last week I was hit so hard in the back of the head it knocked me clear off my feet, I was fired from my new job because that morning I overslept and never heard my alarm, my left ring finger got broke, my left arm is injured, there are marks and bruises from my head to my toe, got grabbed in the face so hard my back tooth came loose, I was hauled away from a home by the police after I attempted to flee the scene in his truck, left behind at his family’s like I’m their responsibility, been cheated on, lied to, verbally abused, assaulted. My check from work never got direct delayed, I’m miles away from home and stranded.
Then to top it all off, my girlfriend’s husband was selling me ...
if it isn’t meeting your needs, walk away..
if it makes you defend yourself, run away...
If it isn’t reciprocating what you put in... walk away..
life is too short for anything less than what you deserve, never settle for less than what you’re worthy of and make sure it ALWAYS matches the time, effort, compassion, commitment, communication, empathy, trust and passion that you put in.
~Ignorance Is Bliss~
No matter how bad it hurts this time I’m giving up on you. You promised to stay away and hopefully you mean it because the last thing I need is your toxic ass bouncing in and out of my life whilst I make a serious attempt to deliver myself from you and your evil.
This is it. No matter the hurt now it can’t hurt as bad as your inconsistency to commit and I’m tired of being treated like a throw away option.
It’s too bad but you aren’t the one. If you were we wouldn’t constantly be separated more than we’re together so I figure this is my best chance of getting on with my life. I can concentrate on work and you can concentrate on fucking off far away from my cur...
Sitting here smiling and
reminiscing about this boy
I’m seriously missing
more than any of my childhood toys
Just a few short days ago we were sitting around watching the boob tube,
involved in my favorite sport of tongue lashings and kissing
Loving those nice full and
luscious lips when they touch mine
It’s like God’s grace
bestowed upon me
And his kiss is my blessing
Coming down smooth like white wine
It’s so spiritual all I can do
is radiate light and emit soul shine
He mesmerizes every
single one of my senses,
Who cares about the hurdles involved
and my dream of white picket fences
I can’t ever get enough of this boy
when life is going go...
Is there anything worse than feeling like an option when it comes to a person you’re always watchin?
Why does it feel like a yo-yo going down and rewound with a flick of the wrist? Pull me close then push me away in a twist and I’m always feeling’ the sway for you to display.
It’s making me dizzy and I feel so sick but worse is the fact that my hair is frizzy and you’re being a dick.
Don’t play with my heart, don’t hide the emotions. I warned you from the start I’m not something to don like some overpriced perfumed lotion.
I’m not a child’s toy to be used and then set upon some shelf for a boy such as yourself to be abused like some elf.
You’re going to lose t...
~The Apple of Your Eye~
She’s wildfire burning bright
A little contained and full of light
She’s mixed emotions with a lot of heart
But she’s too empathetic to
tear you apart
She’s deep as the ocean and
vast as the sea
She can capsize your boat and
make you an absentee
She’s got a heart heavier than
She contains so much compassion,
truth be told
She’s got a talent with words,
That ain’t for the birds
a wizardly wordsmith,
One thing is for sure
you’ll either be smitten silly or
Hurting for certain
when she slices and dices
the syllables loose and
chews you up like
the Christmas goose
She walks around as if
she’s got little wings on her shoes and
Her eyes tel...
~Proof of Service~
Talk is cheap and I’m done listening to the words when they aren’t backed by action.
I’ve been lifted up while being told too many times how my eyes hold the secrets to the universe only to be dropped on my ass by the same person a month later stating that I’m nothing more than a piece of shit based on their own struggles of insecurity.
Show me~ don’t tell me.
Every time that woman manages to interject herself into my life it literally paralyzes me.. I can’t think straight, my mind goes at ten bazillion miles an hour. My thoughts all spill over into one another where one ends and another begins immediately so every conscious thought is like scrambled eggs all running together and nothing makes any sense.
She manages to make me question who I am, my sense of being, my worth to not only my myself but what I’m worth to others as well.
I question my purpose here on this earth and so I begin to wonder if I have any purpose at all. My self esteem dwindles to a puddle of nothing.
Worthless, lack of direction , no real ...
I can breathe again
It’s been a wild and crazy ride
The fresh air expands in my lungs and it feels good but it takes my breath away for a solid moment... one word comes to mind: frigid
It’s bitter cold out
With temps dropping below the negative fifties here but i feel
It and that’s the most important thing..
the sensation saturated my bare skin as it begins to first numb and then burn the parts of my body that are exposed and fast, too... within minutes. It wouldn’t take long to freeze to death in weather like this and I’m thankful for my home, my heat, my blessings.
I welcome the burn
Because I can finally feel it ... all of it
Every sensation, every tingle
I was not myself lately
It’s rhyme time and
I like that bright sunshine
Mixed with a few clouds
A welcome retreat
In order to beat the heat
Warm wind sweeps through
My skin sun kissed dripping
You lay your money down,
As if to say I’m your safest and surest bet
Intensity blazing from the
Got that shit eatin grin on
and that star gazin, fire blazin
Dreamy look in your eye
You wanna eat me like warm apple pie
I retreat without skipping a beat
You won’t give in or ever admit your defeat
Follow my lead much like a gallant steed
Fully aware I strip myself
Your loins begin to ache and become tense
You heighten my sense
My Dear John Letter to you, John
I’ve decided that the time has come to part ways as the situation I find myself in with you has no semblance of balance and our relationship has turned sour and toxic.
I see you as manipulative, dishonest, taking what you can without giving in return. The scales are lopsided and there is no sense of equality. You use your anger as a way to scare me, control me and your lack of commitment tells me you cannot be trusted and you are an unhealthy attachment I must release and move rapidly and with great haste away from.
It was fun while it lasted but you’ve been playing these games for quite some time now and I was a wiling participant up until last week when yo...
I was the symphony and you orchestrated every note while fine tuning in the gap of the silence between.
Talk about two people determined to make it work.. I will say this; there’s an unmatched loyalty and sheer determination cooperating within this relationship. Something of the likes in which I have not experienced before and I have to admit it’s quite stunning really.
I’ve never met anyone that refuses to give up and continues to utilize ways to make whatever is broken work regardless of time and effort. Matter of fact, speaking solely for myself, it’s because of that investment of my time and the amount of effort I’ve put into something that motivates my determination to continue and not give up.
We have come to the conclusion we just don’t do well as “boy...
~ Fear My Pluto ~
Understand me when I tell you this; I have an obsessively penetrating Hades Moon and I do not fear you or anything you represent for I am forged from the fire and have the ability to plunge into emotional depths that would drown you. My intense emotions are my strength and power.
#pluto #HadesMoon #emotionalpowerhouse #plunge #intensity #depth #strength #forgedfromfire #survivor
God it sucks. I wanted you to be the one. You know? I wanted it so badly I continued to go back time and again over the last month knowing the end result because I’ve been here before.. like deja vu.. insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I allowed you to take me for granted, diminishing my self worth as you would blatantly show me I didn’t matter to you. You made yourself clear as a sunny summer day it didn’t matter to you whether I stayed or left and the total lack of respect you so unpleasantly bestowed upon me gnawed away at my self esteem ..
I kept trying to be a better girlfriend making excuses for your shitty behavior, but the truth...
~ Memories ~
God it feels so good to be happy again.. I made a decision a little while ago and I’ve stuck to my guns and honestly I’ve come such a long way from where I was at even just a month ago.. when I smile nowadays I can see the genuineness in my eyes.. and I feel better on the inside, better than I have in a really long time.. I knew what I was getting into.. I knew better but I didn’t listen to my gut instinct as usual and I paid for it.. I’m slowly making my way back and I don’t know if I’ll ever be so willing to put my happiness into another person again. I’m still learning to love myself unconditionally. Tough lessons had to learned and the rewards had to be ...
It's 4:30 in the morning
I jump up outta bed
to the alarm warning
Time to rise and shine
Gotta make that money,
nose to the grind
Waiting on Miguel,
he's running a little behind
So I sit in the dark
Wish I could make waves
back to my bed
like a land shark
Wondering where this mofo be at
I swear I'm gonna holla at him
with a baseball bat
Get yo ass outta them sheets
I'm so bored I'm making beats
We all tired,
side effect of our condition
putting us in a fucked up position
We gonna be in trouble
Jerry gonna burst our bubble
Suffer the fate of running late
so we gonna have to fabricate
Some long ass
drawn out fairy tale drama
our boss takes what
~Calling You Home~
I know you need your freedom
your innate need to roam
But I hope you understand
I miss you when you’re not at home.
I never thought you’d be the one
My shining star, my warm, bright sun
Yet here I am thinking of your touch
I just need and want you so much
You’re the guy I want
You’re the guy I need
Come home soon so we can smoke
and don’t forget the weed.
Let’s plant the seed of love
Have faith in the man above
We can overcome everything
And turn nothing into something
I miss you more than you’ll ever know
This longing for you
is really starting to blow
Time ticks by way to slow
I just really wanna get you to go
But most importantly
~Rough Exterior ~
So the most unlikely of persons has come into my life.. my initial impression of my latest passion was that of cold steel, a body guard type, no nonsense, mean muggin kind of man, not a scowl but an “I mean business” type of air he had about him... so much so I kept to myself and stayed away from him as much as possible until the moment came where being in contact with him was unavoidable as he was dropped off by our lead at my booster pump and he was there with me and we were alone.. so I made the best of the situation and decided to talk to him and win him over...
the Latino was graceful and actually well spoken and could hold a conversation with me whic...
And despite it all.. all the displaced anger, harbored resentments, daggers thrown, swords stabbed, dreams shattered, hearts broken I still miss you more than I can convey. I miss who I thought you were and would do anything to have access to that guy I imagined. I need him. I need his strength, his earthy roots that kept me grounded, the weight of the words he softly whispered when I felt unsure.. I miss the you I made up in my head and while I realize that guy must’ve never existed in reality he was real in my mind and he made me feel so fucking secure and absolutely ecstatic.
I realized after our last rendezvous about half way home I wasn’t wearing the...